Absurd Person Singular On the Couch
“10 Minutes to Curtain” Segment Transcript

CHARLIE MILLER: Anyway, we’ll move on to the next show, Absurd Person Singular, Alan Ayckbourn’s adult Christmas tale about three parties gone hilariously wrong. We all know how stressful the holidays can be, and it’s especially bad for the three couples in this show. I got to sit in our their counseling sessions and want give you a glimpse of their Absurd world in On the Couch.

SABIN EPSTEIN, Director/Therapist: So tell me, why have you decided to come back to therapy?

JOHN HUTTON, as Ronald Brewster-Wright: We thought we’d come in for a little…tune up.

JEANNE PAULSEN, as Marion Brewster-Wright: Pick-me-up.

JOHN HUTTON: Oh yes, pick-me-up…there we are. Just a little…checking in.

JEANNE PAULSEN: Yes.

SABIN EPSTEIN: How’ve you been doing?

DAVID IVERS, as Geoffrey Jackson: It’s going great. We’re really really happy.

SABIN EPSTEIN: Making any progress on those issues we talked about before?

CHRIS MIXON, as Sidney Hopcroft: Everything’s going pretty well I think. Right? You know…

MEGAN BYRNE, as Jane Hopcroft: Yes…

CHRIS MIXON: Sometimes things get a bit…tense…here and there.

MEGAN BYRNE: Um…

SABIN EPSTEIN: Where do you experience the most severe stress in your time together?

JOHN HUTTON: There are certain tensions that develop over the holidays, to be perfectly honest.

JEANNE PAULSEN: I like to have fun.

JOHN HUTTON: Well I do too. That’s not the issue.

MEGAN BYRNE: Well, you know, having a party can…it can be a little stressful but we’ll make the most of it.

DAVID IVERS: All that little mistletoe hanging everywhere…

KATHLEEN MCCALL, as Eva Jackson: Yeah right, mistletoe…that ought to tell you something about him.

DAVID IVERS: No, I just like the smell of mistletoe. I love it.

KATHLEEN MCCALL: You love the smell under the mistletoe.

DAVID IVERS: No, I love the way it defines space—it always hangs, you know, above you, usually in a doorway, framed…  

CHRIS MIXON: Meeting new people…important people…

MEGAN BYRNE: Yes…I…I…I…

CHRIS MIXON: Can’t get nervous.

MEGAN BYRNE: I…I…

SABIN EPSTEIN: Let’s get it out there—put it right out on the table.

DAVID IVERS: You know, I like to go out. I like to go out and be social, have a drink now and then…

KATHLEEN MCCALL: Social? Is that what you call it?

DAVID IVERS: After work. I’m just enjoying my life. With my friends.

KATHLEEN MCCALL: Yeah, with your girlfriends.

DAVID IVERS: Can you tell me, is this unhealthy?

KATHLEEN MCCALL: Your girlfriends.

DAVID IVERS: For me to have an individual, independent life.

MEGAN BYRNE: (Sniffles) Sorry, I must have something in my eye Sidney.

CHRIS MIXON: Yes, it’s that time of year you know, there’s lots of...uh…pollen and such.

MEGAN BYRNE: Yes…oh, the uh…Christmas…trees

SABIN EPSTEIN: Let it all out!

JEANNE PAULSEN: Ronny thinks I drink too much. He’s worried.

JOHN HUTTON: Well, don’t you?

JEANNE PAULSEN: I’ve never had an automobile accident.

JOHN HUTTON: But you don’t drive.

CHRIS MIXON: Spruces are blooming.

MEGAN BYRNE: Oh, yes.

DAVID IVERS: Every night: another pill, another pill, numb, numb, numb…

JOHN HUTTON: I don’t think you hear me anymore.

KATHLEEN MCCALL: I just can’t take it anymore.

DAVID IVERS: Anyway, I love the holidays. I think they’re great.

(Lots of awkward silences with some throat clearing and mumbles).

MEGAN BYRNE: You’ve just got another little thing here…

KATHLEEN MCCALL: I can’t just take it anymore. You know, Geoffrey—

SABIN EPSTEIN: Hold on, look: just get a grip. It’s the holiday season, go out to the parties, pretend nothing is wrong, just have a good time, and I’ll see you next year!